eat, pray, love
I don’t even know where to begin; the words are tangled up in my mind, still searching for a way to come out. It made me laugh and cry, confused and frustrated, sad, empty, and also, feel loved. Following someone else’s journey of self-discovery… It really made me re-think my own life and whatintheworld I’m doing with it right now. I realized just how much fear I have, the many insecurities I can’t let go of. I struggle so much with self-esteem, always comparing myself and pushing myself. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t push myself to be someone I’m not. I’m shy and introverted, and I care too much about what people think. I don’t have confidence in myself. I think I’m too tall, too skinny, too fat, too plain. My hair is too flat, my skin too damaged. And much more. All the physical aspects that shouldn’t make a difference. But they still do. I want to find my own peace and happiness. Finding myself, creating myself. Never losing or destroying. Balance, but. I’m afraid of opening up, of losing hope, of trusting people. I’m afraid of putting my heart in my hand and extending it outward, taking that first step toward being free. I don’t let people see this side of me, really. Apparently, I hide it well. I seem strong on the outside. And sometimes, it’s true. On good days, I am strong. Strong and ready to face the world and all its complexities with a smile on my face. But on bad days, I just pretend. Pretend that everything is okay, will be okay. Because sometimes, that’s the only way I know. The only way I know how to push through it. Sometimes, it just feels like it’s either pretending or giving up. Who would’ve thought…all this from a movie? I guard myself so well.
