LOVE, LOLA

If you really knew me,

You would know that I’m emotionally needy.

A lot of people think I’m independent. That I can take care of myself. That I’m capable. And I am. Most of the time, anyway. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still need people. I’m strongly independent, yet highly needy. It sounds contradictory, but seems to be true in my case. I push people away because I don’t like to be dependent on others. Because people walk in and out of our lives. My life. And I’m not sure who exactly I can depend on. I’ve counted on people in the past who have so easily walked out of my life, leaving me to find and rebuild a new and trusting relationship.

It’s definitely hard.

How do you let others know that you need support too? 

I just want to be taken care of too. Please don’t forget the quiet ones.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I’m incredibly sensitive. And I hate it. 

I take a lot of things to heart, even remarks that may seem insignificant and unimportant in your eyes. I can’t help but feel self-conscious about myself. I’m insecure and have a pretty low self-esteem, something that I’ve been trying to work on. It’s hard for me to completely relax and be myself around people because I’m constantly afraid of being judged. I mean, who doesn’t judge? I know I do, but still. I can’t help but feel like I need to live up to certain expectations in order to “fit in.” Fit in. What does that even mean, anyway?

Sensitivity. A few words here and there. An unintended remark. Things that really shouldn’t bother me at all. But they do. All the time. And the words stick with me. All the time. I think and I overthink. And then I worry and stress. That I’m not good enough. That I’m not pretty/funny/smart enough. That I’m not perfect. Who’s perfect anyway, right? Still, I just can’t help it…

If you really knew me,

You would know that I used to fall head over heels for a guy. If I fell, I fell hard. It’s different now. I’m different now. I’ve grown a little older, a little wiser. I think I’m still a hopeless romantic at heart. But at the same time, I’m a cynic about love. Is this possible? 

Now I know better. Now I know not to fall for just any charming guy that comes along. I’ve done a pretty good job so far, protecting myself from boys and the inevitable hurt that they come along with. Don’t get me wrong though. I may have my walls, but I’m only trying to focus on the important things in life right now. Prioritizing. Education is my number one priority at the moment. And then there’s all the other things that round out my life. AΦΩ, work, social life. I don’t want a relationship to be just another commitment. Another obligation that I have to keep up with. So until then, I’m content to be living the single life.

…

But I have to admit, this one confuses me. I’m not sure what to think of him, and I’m not sure what to do about him. For now, I guess I’m going to just let us be.

If you really knew me, 

You would know that because of today, three years ago, I still can’t go to Half Moon Bay. Three years ago today, I experienced grief and pain like I’ve never experienced before. Time does heal, but it can’t take back what’s already happened. A lot has happened since then. I’ve changed and grown and matured, or so I like to think. But I wonder how much different my life would be if they were still here for me. I wouldn’t be living the life I have now, that’s for sure. Sometimes, I wonder if they’re looking over me, over all of us. I’d like to think so. 

It was so hard to get past the initial feeling of loss, of shock, of disappointment, and of anger. But just because I got through it, doesn’t mean I don’t miss the both of you. I dearly wish that you’re both enjoying heaven, watching over your loved ones and waiting for the day when we’ll all meet again. 

I love you.

If you really knew me,

You would know that I have a love/hate relationship with being 21. I have no excuse any more to decline “going-out” invitations. As much as I want to go clubbing, clubs and parties just end up depressing me. Yes, I want to have fun. But I never really feel comfortable at these party events. Honestly, I think it’s just me. I need to go with a certain group of people that I’m extremely comfortable with. All the usual big kids that go out…I don’t know. I don’t think I quite belong to their group. As clique-y as that may sound. But I just don’t think I’d be able to have a great time. I just want my first big kid experience to be something worth remembering. Ho hum. 

Or. I’m just a party pooper. 

I was looking forward to Sabor tonight. I really was. But I guess there’s just something about going alone that makes the thought of it kind of sad. I wish I was more brave and determined, but I really just need someone there to guide me along. It’s hard for me to try new things, and just the fact that I was going alone (I didn’t even know where I was going or how to get there) took away my initial hype. I fail at these things.

If you really knew me, 

You would know that I’m at my most vulnerable at night. It’s weird and strange, but I tend to just fall to pieces. Sometimes I’ll just drive, with no intention of going home and with no destination in mind. I go out just to be around people, so I don’t have to be alone. But once I’m there, all I want to do is leave. I admit that I get jealous of people who are effortlessly sociable, the people that are the life of the party. Those people. I always feel like such a wallflower when I’m in large crowds. I don’t know how to be myself, but at the same time, that is me. The awkward girl in the corner, always. As independent as I say I am, I’m still a needy little girl. I’m constantly seeking approval and reassurance. For what, I’m not sure. But I just want to be accepted and acknowledged. I want the reassurance that people do care. Because so many times, it feels like no one does. I put so much time and energy into caring for other people, a lot of whom don’t even reciprocate the same feelings, that I don’t have the time to take care of myself. Self-love. It’s a strange concept to me.

I want to change, but I’m at one of those points in my life. I’ll get through it, but it’s so very difficult right now. For now, I’m just drifting along in life, hoping I’ll find my way.