LOVE, LOLA

I can’t sleep. I can’t stay awake. I can’t sit still. I can’t get up. I can’t clean. I can’t eat. I can’t study. I can’t focus. I can’t read. I can’t think. I can’t breathe.

I’m just trying to find that one thing that will get me going again, whatever it may be. 

Full-time student. Four upper division classes, twelve units.

Work. Monday through Friday.

Tutoring. Six hours a week.

Alpha Phi Omega. Active requirements, BIG requirements. 

Family Head.

PR Committee.

JLC reunion.

…

Starting to burn out.

I dislike needy and dependent people. I really do.

I never could understand why people jump from one relationship to another, always chasing after someone and never taking the chance to slow down and breathe. My ex-boyfriend is/was one of these people. He always had a girl by his side. He admitted it; he was dependent. He always had to have someone there, right next to him, walking him through life. And I thought I could change him…

Honestly, I’m a hopeless romantic. A bitter one, but a hopeless romantic nonetheless. I’ve been through my share of relationship troubles. I’ve been through my share of emotional rollercoasters. I know. 
I know it’s hard to think and act with your head and not your heart, but sometimes it’s the better decision. I know all the quotes and sayings that tell you to take a chance, to be brave, to act upon love. I’m not saying those are lies. I’m just saying that sometimes, you need to be cautious. Love is and can be a wonderful thing, but sometimes it’s not. And you need to protect yourself, your heart. 

In all honesty, I disapprove. I love you. More than you’ll ever know and more than I’ll ever reveal. I want nothing more than to see you happy. But I disapprove.

I helped you as much as I could. I gave you as much advice as I thought would be helpful. I offered my time, my energy, my support, my everything for you. I’m glad that you listened, but I hate that you lied. Directly or indirectly, it doesn’t matter. You still lied to me. After all that I went through for you. 

If this is what makes you happy, then fine. I would never wish any unhappiness on you. I just wish that I could’ve been a better and stronger influence on you. 

Beautiful. Photogenic. Healthy. Witty. Intelligent. Skinny. Effortless. Fashionable. Knowledgeable. Charming. Flirty. Stylish. Athletic. Competent. Overachiever. Optimistic. Delightful. 

I wish.

I really don’t like when people just assume things, especially things like that, about me.

Really, guys? Pbros? Just a bit disappointed.

I started tearing up before I even made it out of church today. I let it all go as soon as I closed the door of my car and safely drove away. 

I think it’s good to let my emotions out, even if it’s just crying to myself. It’s a lot better than holding everything in. 

I had a really good talk with Wendy today. Just talked about the college/young adult group and my APO happenings. Really cool to talk about APO with her. I really do think it’s already starting to affect me. And I love it for opening up a whole new world to me. It must get tiring after the number of times that I say this, but I am so glad that I took a chance and decided to pledge. I’ve already met so many amazing people and learned so much from them. It was hard to admit to her that I had actually been really lonely, from community college til now. Yeah, I have a few friends here and there, but I don’t hang out with/talk to them much. And my relationship with church people is pretty much all weird now. So it was really hard admitting that to her. That I had actually been lonely. No one should ever feel that way. I’M ON TO BETTER THINGS NOW. 

CAN’T WAIT to host some gatherings.

Hella random.

& To this day, I’m still having problems with them. 

SO PATHETIC.
I am disappointed in myself.

I’m still trying to talk to them. But STILL unresponsive. I’m sorry that I’m not naturally talkative, but I’M HONESTLY TRYING. I’m so sorry that it’s making me cry. No guy is ever courteous to me, polite to me, like they are to the other girls. I’m not trying to say that I expect people to treat me better, like I’m royalty or something. But something as simple as pulling up a chair. I never get that kind of treatment, even though other people do… I guess I’m just saying that I’m treated differently. But maybe I shouldn’t even complain. 

Anyway, on another note, church today was full of busy-ness. Lots of grad card signing. Benga almost made me cry. He asked if I was getting a card too, and I said no. I couldn’t believe that he actually remembered that I was graduating, even if I’m not walking. I was seriously so touched. Thank youuu <3
I know that I don’t make it a big deal that I’m graduating and stuff. But it is still an important step for me. Yeah, it’s just a small AA degree from some community college, but I’m still proud of it. And it’s just nice to know that someone remembered me in the midst of all those cool and more major graduates (high school + college alike). Thank you so much. 

The more time I spend with them, the more that I realize that I’m so different from them. Today, in class, we went over our “personalities” from the assessment we took. Most of them were all in one category. And then there was me. The black sheep, perhaps? Every time I see their interaction, I think, why can’t it be like that with me? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with them? Am I just overreacting? Why does it hurt so much to watch? Most of the time, I come to the conclusion that it’s just me. Why would it be them? They’re too good and perfect for it to be them. (And no, I’m not being sarcastic.) 

It’s me. 

I’m vain. I’m impatient. I’m over attentive. I’m prideful. I’m selfish. I’m over analytical. I’m stubborn. I’m lazy. I’m arrogant. I’m ignorant. I’m also many more adjectives, but I think the fact that all these sentences start with “I’m” also indicate something about me… Wow. 

My best friends don’t even want to talk to me.

*ball hits me. right in the head.

: NICE!

me: …… honestly? 

There’s a time and place for joking around. But then again, I probably overreact. 

*all sitting together watching the game

*turning only to a select few…

: are you guys cold? do you want my jacket?

Yeah, I’m not cold at all really. I’m just sitting there shivering with goosebumps running all up an down my arm. But that’s actually pretty normal for me. So no worries.

Those were the highlights of my day. Seriously.

*everyone mingles…

*nowhere to go for me. thanks for making me feel left out.

And that kind of stuff happens every week. 

I’m tired. I really am. Maybe I’m just not compatible. I try to “fit in.” Whatever that means. But recently, I feel like I’ve just been old news. There’s new people around. I’ve been quite left out. 

And they wonder why I turn to other people… haha. Funny.

I can’t even FUCKING TALK TO THEM because every time I try, it ends up being a one-person conversation. Unresponsive. Why? Am I really that repulsive? Am I the unresponsive one? Or maybe I’m just a boring person to be with. Ah, that could be it. That probably explains why you never talk to me when I’m there, but instead turn to other people. Ah, this is starting to make perfect sense.

C’est la vie, right? 

So to answer the question, 

YES, I really am just a BITCH. 

(Like everyone thinks I am.)

I met up with Annie yesterday and we had a super duper long chat.

Our night started off with her driving us to Verde in Fremont so we could grab some milk tea and meet up with Jenny. We talked for a bit and then headed over to Jenny’s house to help her with pageant stuff. Well, I obviously didn’t do much helping…..hahaha. But she and Annie were hard at work talking about the pageant. It was interesting. I felt like I learned a lot. LOL.

We finally left around 12:00 and then headed back to Annie’s to catch up “for a few minutes.” Pffttt. Right. We sat on her couch and talked and talked and talked til 4:30 in the morning. Whaaattttt?!?! Crazy, right? YEAH. We basically just talked about A LOT of stuff. Boys, relationships, friends, church, school, pets, and other stuff. It was really nice though. I think it was a talk that I kind of needed. Haha. I dunno, I just haven’t had a talk like that since Cho went back to Seattle ): LAME. (Come back soon!!!) So it was really nice to just talk.

TALK.

We got to the topic of how we’ve both changed a lot since those early days at church. It was…nostalgic reminiscing about the past. There were definitely major ups and major downs. But it was memorable. Now….things have changed a lot. We talked about these changes and stuff. And also how I’ve grown and changed as I went through all this church stuff. It’s weird. At the time, I never noticed how stressed I was about church. When Annie came to my house two-ish years ago (?) we talked and she remembers how stressed I was even back then. Looking back, I definitely was. Looking  back, I definitely would not let myself take on that many responsibilities ever again. Leading worship on Sundays AND Fridays, coordinating activities, leading discussions, teaching kids, etc. It felt SO HECTIC. And it really was. Now that I’m easing back on just about everything, I feel A LOT more happier. I’m not saying that I want to push all my burdens on other people. But I’m actually HAPPY. I’m HAPPIER than I was before. I think just being at church puts me in this mode where I’m stressed stressed and more stressed. Just worried about how I have to do this and make sure that thing is going to go all right and remember to get this and this from people. I am so done with that ish. If church people think that I’ve changed for the worse, then so be it. I’m done caring what they think. Because honestly, WE ARE A JUDGMENTAL GROUP. I’ve been trying to open up more, but it’s hard. Honestly though. I can understand why people would not feel welcome. I WENT THROUGH IT MYSELF. Annie had it a bit easier since she knew people and joined worship team and stuff. It took me a good 4-5 years, YEARS, to “become one of them.” WTF.

I’ve been doing a lot better this quarter. Yes, I’ve been taking so many classes and I always have one paper due after another. But I’m HAPPY. Happier than ever before. It feels SO DAMN GOOD to talk to people from my classes….outside of class. I used to talk to people in my classes. It wasn’t like I was a total antisocial bitch or anything. But now, I can actually talk to people outside of class and hang out with them outside of class. Being part of this TA team has really really really helped a lot with that. C-, G-, D-, D-, and M-. THESE PEOPLE ARE THE BOMB. No joke, these are pretty much the most amazing people I’ve met throughout the year and a half that I’ve been at De Anza. C- shares her recipes with me. RECIPES. G-’s bringing me PINEAPPLE PIE on Tuesday. I actually HANG OUT with D- and M-. OUTSIDE OF CLASS. Unheard of. I can actually make plans with them to go do this or that. We’re not BFFL. I’m not saying that. But it honestly makes me feel so free and happy to be able to do stuff like this. I’m done waiting on the church people. Every time I ask them to go out, they can’t. Whenever they go out, I’m not asked. Or at least, I feel like I’m not included.

“Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option.”

How true is that. Except I never realized that it applied to me. But it does. Like you can’t even imagine. They are my priority. They always will be. That’s not going to change just because I’m changing. If they need me, I’ll still be there in an instant. But I’m definitely not going to devote the same amount of effort and time and attention anymore. Because honestly, IT WAS ALL WASTED. They make me an option. And now, I’m okay with that. Because I’ve grown and matured into a new person. They may not like it, but this is how I am now. I’m ALWAYS there for them, no matter what. But there’s a new me now. A better me. A happier me.

I can be quiet. And shy. Especially if I don’t know you.

But if I do know you well enough, comfortable enough, then you should know that I can be blunt as hell.

NO, I’m not purposefully trying to be mean or spiteful. NO, I don’t think I’m more intelligent than you are. SO CALM DOWN.

It only means that I feel close enough to you to say these things out loud.

And another thing.

I dearly love and care for my whole church family. They might not believe it. But that still doesn’t change the fact that it’s true. So much so, that I would literally die for them. Instant decision. No qualms about it whatsoever. Honest to God truth. Just wanted to get that out in the open. Because, you know…